Turning Point?

I realize recently, I seldom voice out my opinion and hardly express what I'm really feeling. What happened to me?
I realize it's hard to accept the fact that I still need another 3 years and half to complete my degree course while many have already graduated.
I realize it's hard to get back to secondary school friends due to pride, due to the failure in STPM and foundation which caused the severe delay in my study life.
Damnit, I got 7A's in PMR and 8A's in SPM.. and STPM? C+ C- D F.. LOL... What did devil do to me? What was I thinking? Some horse shit blocked my brain??
I didn't thought of my future during form 6 and when I look back now I only see a fuckingg idiot screaming happily in the cc everyday... Being in the legendary HoV DotA clan representing v6 challenging pros everywhere.. we were definitely 1 of the top team in sibu that time... o2jam play until level 66!!!
WHAT FOR?? All the achievements barely has anything to do with me now.. I can only see the bad effects now.. well it was fun.. but imagine all the time and money wasted...It was the WORST thing that ever happened to me in my life so far.. a very very fucking black DOT in my history.. it's almost a SPLASH..
WHY COULDN'T I LOOK 2 YEARS FORWARD INTO THE FUTURE? DIDN'T I REALIZE THAT I COULDN'T ENTER UNI IF I DIDN'T DO WELL AND MY STUDY LIFE WOULD BE SEVERELY DELAYED?? OBVIOUSLY THE FAILURE WAS IN MY PREDICTION... BUT I DID NOTHING TO CHANGE MY DESTINY.. LOL... WHOAAA HAHAHAHAHAH because I was too damn obsessed.. many fucking times worse than if it's by the real devil.. at least for that case, priests can deal with it.. but... it was a new virus.. very strong and almost invulnerable.. cures were yet to be discovered 3 years ago.. the virus.. so robust and vigorous till it can almost be seen with our eyes!! They call it the God of the Computer Games.. it completely penetrated through my fragile heart and leave addiction in me... Not one day I could survive without gaming for at least few hours continuously..
Till now... many teenagers have not found the cure.. as a matter of fact it's still affecting lots of them nowadays.. you can still find the victims in infinity.. vip.. boyz if u c them there regularly with the fiery eyes n burning spirit to achieve victory in their rivalries..
Back to the story.. Who could've help me out with my addiction? Only God of failure can... expert (ME myself) discovered it later as the only effective anti-virus software and it did help...ALOT... If I had not failed.. I will not study as hard as I do now.. I realize that very little people were doing so terribly like me, therefore I find it quite shameful and I really regret now.. but good that it motivates me to study real hard!!
Undoubtedly, I had to enter foundation since I can't enter degree because of a fucking (-) behind the C while the minimum requirement is 2C's only. THAT WAS LOW!!!! AND I COULDN'T!!!!! GOD WAS PUNISHING ME OF COURSE...TO WAKE ME UP? I CAUSED IT MYSELF.. SO WHO IS IT TO BLAME? ME!!! NOBODY ELSE.. I deserve what I get... I put myself into these conditions.. where I could hardly answer when people ask me why am I still in 1st year? still in foundation? How come so slow?? It shouldn't be..?? OMG... I didn't want to care about what others say about me.. but it's so impossible as people like to compare among their childrens.. even my own parents too...
I never studied during form 6.. It was already a miracle that I almost entered degree... but I can't say failing STPM is a bad thing... Imagine me entering degree at that time... I could've died so terribly in degree.. my cgpa would suck coz I'm sure I would not do well in first year.. coz I was entering degree using perhaps knowledge worse than a SPM student.. I already forgot everything during my exploitation of myself for 2 years... Maybe it was God's will... to delay my studies.. If I didn't experience that failure.. I might not be who I am now.. probably just so-so student..aiming pass n credit only.. distinction only if lucky.. HD? crazy ppl get 1... say I can't de la... study lan ar like tat?hahahaahaha...... ok enough crap..
I've just completed 1st year 1st sem.. At least I'm doing well now... 2D's 2HD's for the 1st sem !!! quite happy!! in fact very! that's the best i could get but if i was lucky i could've get a 4 or 3.92.. anyway i'm quite contented.. i studied so freaking hard for it till pimples pops out like corns on the left side of my forehead!! You must be wondering y one side only?? coz I was using my left brain too much!! IMBALANCE LIFESTYLE!! During the whole semester I only played computer game less than 5 hours in total.. the rest of the time are all spent mainly on studying and other crucial routine.. many people said I m sot n should take it easy n dun b 2 stress.. I was just scared that I fail again.. the phobia is still there.. I was just trying to do my best so as to unleash my full potential n to have no reason to regret for any possibilities that I could've get better than 3.84 other than being stroke by massive luck.. maybe I was too harsh on myself and took it too seriously, but I'm happy enough to see the outcome. It all pays off. The pimples are all gone! but they're coming back pretty soon.... when school starts again..
Anyway.. back to...Form 6?? I think i got around 1.2 for gpa LOL.. I can say that I'm really hardworking now :) I must keep it on!! I must get first class honours...I believe I can if I commit myself to it like there'll be an exam every tomorrow.. I must repay for what I've done.. I must prove to everyone including myself that I can if I want...and if I do my best.. I will succeed in anything.. I'm not a idiot.. In fact.. I have to say I'm pretty smart coz I got the 1st among civil 1st sem students.. hehe :) *no lan si intended* (just consoling myself for the failures I've experienced =.=) That's a strong encouragement for me to keep up my hard work... Actually there's no idiot, only lazy people.. I've changed.. although not completely.. or else I would've been perfect now.. but nobody can be perfect.. (talk rubbish)
So.... anyway.. I believe.. I will be successful... and I WILL TRY MY BEST TO ACHIEVE MY DREAM (Construction manager n director, contractor or project manager) no matter what it takes...be diligent Calvin! Also I'll be filial to my parents and whoever that has contributed to my life... whoever that has made me smile and be true to me... But.. I will not announce all these changes of mine... Let your eyes witness it.. Let my results explain everything.. When my efforts pay off, I believe something really good awaits me...
Well.. looking back... foundation took me another 1.5 years.. extra half years.. coz I failed Physics during the 1st sem.. So .. I took 3 years n half to complete my pre-U while those going for foundation only spent 1 year!! 3.5 - 1 = 2.5... OMG I'M LATE BY 2 YEARS N HALF!!! If i had passed STPM and entered degree successfully, I would be going into 3rd year in 2009... but now I'm only entering 1st year 2nd sem.. sigh...How precious is time for me to waste like I have more than others??
I only start to realize recently how important is time.. but sigh.. time goes on and never will it stop for me.. even if it stops.. it stops for everyone.. when it starts running again, i'm still behind.. Sometimes, I think I should just look forward and forget the past, but I can't deny that my past is affecting my current life so significantly. I speak less. I play less. I feel less confident. I struggle much in my social life. I feel difficult to make new friends. I feel reluctant to meet new people. I admit that my social circle is depriving, so is my social skills. Sometimes I even feel hard to retain the friendship bond with my current friends.
Why? What happened to me? I realize I'm changing. To good or to bad? I quit being a crazy and playful person who does n says everything without thinking of the consequences merely for the sake of temporary happiness, which is how I made so many friends last time.. I'm having less fun and passion for wild things due to being always in my sober senses. When doing anything, I think of it's pros and cons so much that when I have a decision, someone has already done it before me. I hesitate too much and I hate it. I become more careful and I'm afraid to take risks. I become very protective of myself to an extent that it is having a reverse impact on me. I feel hard to communicate with girls especially of my age and those who are rich due to lack of confidence. My height issue and my current achievement in study are the main culprits. I hope I can grow abit taller.. wait, there's still hope! I got my secret weapon!! Also.. I'm not rich, which may not be the main concern, but it definitely plays a part. No?
Is this a process of growing up? And I supposed to feel this way? Is this a transition period from adolescent towards becoming an adult? What are my opportunities? How do I approach to it? There are so many things yet to learn. I realize that people have to bend forward to get on a hill while those bending behind and facing upwards are going downhill, meaning that we shouldn't be arrogant. Why am I saying this? I don't know.. I'm out of my mind.. I'm having so much struggles and opinions which I could voice out to no one. Even my best friends could not help me because they're nowhere better than me actually..
Am I an adult already? Hell no. I can't communicate well with people. Why am I having this sort of problem? Am I crazy? Should I consult a psychiatrist? Am I having some sort of mental problem? I feel that my health condition is going down the slope. Thus I'm more aware of taking care of my body. Am I sick? I can't seem to talk like I was in secondary school already. I can't seem to attract people to talk to me. I need friends desperately, but I feel hard to expose myself to them from the inside. Am i so different? Can they accept me? Can we really become friends? I have all sort of considerations. Should I just speak to my shadow?
My mind is entangled. My personality is scattered everywhere. I'm afraid to say the wrong thing, but is it good to be so formal? I suffered so much to have to shut up despite so many things I could have said and make people like me perhaps? Can someone tell me what to do? I can't find myself.. I'm extremely confused.. No exaggeration.. It's exactly what I'm feeling.. I see a stranger in the mirror.. I've lost my smile and genuine laughters. I've lost myself.
Who am I? I want to be myself so as to be loved but I find that so hard. Who can really talk to me? How can I find someone with little gap in between us? What do I need? I don't exactly know. Oh well, I'm not feeling any better. fuck..

Nevertheless, these are my aims for 2009.
1. Make tons of friends and talk more. Do not be lazy!
2. Improve relationship with family
3. Laugh more and have more fun
3. Try to join group activities
4. Be more active in church
5. Quit bad habits
6. Get scholarships
7. Keep up the exercises
8. More enthusiasm for learning new things
9. Continue to resist bad temptations
10. Hang out appropriately

Aims are mainly emphasized on improving social life. GOGOGO! YOU CAN DO IT CALVIN!!!!