knots..knots..

jz came to kuching from sibu today.
came to attend cousin's wedding in 2 days.
needa play violin during his wedding so not feeling really relaxed now.
exam has passed a week ago. yet i don't think the stress has entirely vanished.. i had terrible dreams 2 days in a row before coming. in those dreams, i haven't finished my exam and am still working on assignments!! HOLY SHIT!!

lately, there are some issues bothering me.
one obvious, is my relationship. and by that i mean finding the another girl whom i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.

someone experienced told me that i do not need to look for one. he said god will prepare one for me and she'll appear beside me at the right time. and i believed him.
there's one girl i'm kinda interested in, but after hearing to the advises, i can't be bothered to think that.. what's the point of having such relationship now? what assets do i have, what can i commit, and is it the right time to do so?

what's the priority in my life now? i think i should just put my best effort into my studies and let god decide the rest, however will not refuse what's obviously god's will.

feeling down tonight..

really wanted to go movies with friend but couldn't go although i should be enjoying my holiday now coz the movie is at midnite. in kch, need to go back by 10, eventhough that rule not so strict now, eventhough i can just break that rule and say who gives a fuk? don't control me! it's my holiday man! see.. i'm using fuk instead of fuck. i'm even controlling myself there i don't know why. back to the point, eventually aunty will get worried and would not sleep well until i get back. that happened quite often last time, and i feel bad about that. so in the end i could only sit here..

maybe i shouldn't b so strict to myself.. would that make me happier? yes for now.. but future?
read from somewhere.. a perfectionist has very high expectation on himself and ppls around him.. this type of ppl.. can hardly mix well with ppls around him.. and will lack confidence in himself.. i admit dat i'm a perfectionist.. some parts r quite true bout me.. though not all of them.. sometimes i hate myself for that, cause it makes me get stressed easily and get frustrated with very small problems.. it makes me think and worry a lot more than i need to.. but the good part is that i complete things more neatly and with less regrets since i've already done my best..

everyone thinks i've already changed into a brand new person. do you reli think it's that easy? sometimes i could not figure out how and what i really am, countless personality conflicts within myself in different time at different places when meeting different ppls..yet nobody realizes.. have mercy..god.. feels so.. cramped.. emotionally.

finally

god..finally.. semester ends.. didn't perform very well in exam this time.. for one particular subject.. EM2.. haiz.. think can't get d for the subject..should've told myself to calm down before the exam starts.. it was the first subject tested on the first day.. guess i wasn't emotionally prepared.. if i really did the questions carefully and thoughtfully i'm sure i would be able to get at least a d. i made a hell lots of careless mistakes i think and didn't even double check my answers.. i think i shivered and my toe tips were cold as ice during the exam.. WHY so nervous?? =.= In conclusion, I SCREWED UP THAT SUBJECT...! but dun wanna think or worry bout the result for nw cz i can do nothing bout it.. so... think KK!!!!!!!!!!!! HHEHEHHEEHE =) and oh, i've finished my 1st year !! xD going back sibu today.. excited and at the same time feeling quite weird coz suddenly zero stress... better treasure this feeling... it's gonna haunt me back real soon..

Quote from Ricky,
Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.